~Loathing~

Happy 10th Birthday to my B!!! B's been spending his winter vacation with his dad and his step-mom so my heart holds heavy and is missing my little man today. I won't be able to see him till this Friday morning, when I pick him up on our way to California Adventure.

You would think with the scattering arrangements we've had the last ten years over our custody agreement we've had, things would get easier but as the years pass by and B's personality molds differently it just gets harder. I suppose you can say that it's expected for young boys to want one parent over the other, but a mother's heart - my heart, still remains longing for him to be with every day.

I was kind of bummed that we didn't get to see him, though we had planned to have a "family" dinner with him. But work schedules and other obligations played a key role in deciding that we would just do a seperate "family" celebration. So without my birthday boy here to celebrate I spent most of my day with my with my two younger boys, doing some house cleaning, and relaxing.

By dinner time, I was determined to keep our family meals home-made and avoid the ever so convenient option of heading out and eating somewhere. So tonight, I decided to make some Hearty Turkey Chili, but thought that it may be too spicy for the kiddies. Instead they had pigs in a blanket, carrots, creamy ranch dressing, and some crunchy grapes. I've read on other mommy and bento blogs of parents of picky eaters that giving them options in small portions is idea. It gives them an opportunity to try new things while still having the familiar.

J and I enjoyed our chili and I loved the fact that it was a healthier alternative for the recipe. I found the recipe on the Weight Watchers website and LOVED it! It turned out wonderfully and tasted great! Plus - BONUS! It was only 6 points, so i had the option of eating a second serving but chose not to. Will power! HA!





Working out took a back seat today. Maybe it was the fact that I was already having a crummy day or maybe because my body was aching from the last two days, but I decided to take a break and give my body the opportunity to crave the need to work out.


Here's my shameful confession today. Earlier I was playing Dance Central with the younger boys and impulsively got a very thin sliver of an Ube cake that we had purchased over the weekend. Being as tired and starved as I was, I scarfed it down to the last bite. The last bite that sat on my fork made me nauseated and full of guilt. I mean it wasn't a huge or even regular slice of cake, it was literally a quarter of a slice of cake but somehow I misconstrued the proportion comparable to an entire cake and I felt nothing but guilt. I started thinking maybe I should stop eating, but then realized that I already ate the whole slice. Then the unthinkable happened. I actually thought about throwing it up. Which made snap back into reality and I realized that would be stupid. Thank goodness! That's the last thing I need - an eating disorder.


I guess all those years in therapy in my adolescence finally paid off, for if it weren't for my coping skills in high stress moments I would have most definitely ran off to the bathroom and puked till I felt satisfied. But I know better than that and trust people - it won't happen.


As emotionally draining as this day has been and as bad of a diet and excercise day it's proven to be. It's just a day. It's my "break day" that everyone has advised me to make sure I work into my schedule so I don't over stress myself but keep myself motivated.


So it's just a day. A day that'll be over with as soon as my eyes close shut and my mind shuts down.


Have a great night everyone.