So I Was Thinking...

I love Sunday mornings, especially when Jerry doesn't have to work. The house is always calm, not too many frantic screams of procrastination and panic linger, Lucky isn't wound up from all the excitement, and a blanket of laziness hovers over us forcing us to just enjoy the morning fresh breeze that lightly embraces our bedroom.

It's overwhelmingly wonderful. Something we're forced to take in when we are always ready for the unexpected 90% of the time. Sometimes, it just nice to hide beneath the covers where the warmth of your significant other is enough to keep you there for that extra ten minutes.

I left shortly after rolling out of bed to meet up with an old, dear friend of mine to talk about the florals I would be doing for her wedding in October. See why I love Facebook so much, reconnecting with old friends that you're convince no longer remember you, ha! Anyhow, her brother and sister in law moved about 30 minutes away from me and while she lives over an hour away, this was a great opportunity to catch up and talk about flowers and well... LIFE!

After a fantastic afternoon with the girls, I headed home and started straightening up the house, getting a little organized for the week, and spending some much needed cuddle time with Matthew while the older boys spent some time at our neighbor's pool. It was just such a relaxing day that we opted for chinese take out for the day and now... everyone is sound asleep... and well, me? I'm up watching Serendipity for the 3rd time. I love this movie... just LOVE this movie.

And while the kids are fast asleep, the hubby snores his dreams away, and I listen and mouth every word of Serendipity, I started to think about everything that happened today. Mostly about what we girls talked about today while at my floral appointment with an old friend. How LIFE just happens and how we (moms) are flustered so much.

We talked about how guilty it was to get so angry and yell once in a while - not so much at our children, but definitely at their direction. How mom's are so harsh to one another are each other's biggest critic. The mom "scene" is a total massive clique that exists everywhere. We're judged, we do judging, we care or we don't care, we want more than we need, and we can't help but get sucked into this black hole of perfection that we conjure up in our heads.

Personally, I found happiness when I just stopped caring. There will always be a heckler in your life that finds justification to rant and rain on your parade, this happens usually when everything you think is going so well in your life. That heckler almost always happens to be someone you would least expect to do so. And i think that this is what hurts the most. So there you are, hurt by someone whom you were oblivious to, with nothing more than the heart that taints your sleeve. What do you do? Do you just stand there and cry and hope that it was all just a horrible, horrible dream? Do you chase and explain that this person was wrong? Do you move on and brush it off?

I've done all three in the same instance, and I realize now that I should have just gone straight to the last thing. Just don't care... I know, it's a little ironic when we moms are programmed to do nothing more than just care. What I mean to say is, care... for what matters. Not for those things or people that don't matter. A woman, especially a mother, can drive herself insane worrying and caring about what everyone and their mama thinks. Care. But care more about how loving your children affects you, not about how much caring for your child seems to other moms who may or may not agree or disagree with how you parent. Care about being frugal because it's the budgeting and hitting your weekly goals under your budget is far more trendy than budgeting and FAILING because you just had to have that new Organics Low Fat Milk every SAHM has been talking about.

I'm controlling, I'm guilty of taking whatever people think of me to heart, I need to have order and organization in order to function sanely throughout my days, weeks, months, and year. I do it because I need to, I need to feel self validating because I loathe in the idea that I'm useless without that "paying" job in the corporate world. I color code and organize my daily life to function for me because when I cross that one item on my list, it's like getting a pay raise for this quarter. I schedule my children's activities and go that extra mile to cut their sandwiches into shapes because I know they'll enjoy it and remember it for years to come, rather than argue with their pleas of boredom and meal time battles of "being allergic" to whatever I place on their plates that they swear will kill them. I do this all because I care about me - the person who matters the most in my world. I would be absolutely useless if I were an unhappy mother and wife, filled with resent and regret. I care about me because I function better as a person when MY goals have been reached for that one hour in the day in which I feel complete chaos in my life.

It doesn't happen all day, every day, but it lasts long enough for me to function the next three hours productively as a mom and wife. It's like an all natural red bull, it gives me wings to feel useful rather than useless. So I was thinking...

It's actually okay to be the way that I am, even if some might think I'm clueless. It's actually okay.