Another Year

I can sit here and say, "thank God this year is over!" but I'm actually sad to see it go.

Granted that there are many, many things I could have done without. Seriously - done.with.OUT! But the truth of the matter is, I don't think I would have grown from any of it had I not experienced it.

I have so much to be thankful for, so much to have learned from. And I'm hoping I can ring in the New Year a little more tough skinned, a little smarter, and a little wiser.

Ringing in this New Year with an optimistic and positive attitude is the only way I know how. Like previously stated out with the old, and in with the new. There's just not better way. To waste my days, hours, minutes, or seconds on the uselessness of pessimism would only be a disgrace to the life I have been given and so I graciously bask in the ambiance of all the wonderful things I have been blessed with.

My Journeys of 2009

I have been blessed with the opportunity to meet a great group of people in an online community called SCV Moms Blog, and although I haven't met many in person I've met a few and I have to say I've never felt more normal as a mother, woman, and person than having been in conversation with these people. How similar we are to one another when we aren't tearing each other apart over our differences?

I've taken a more active role in Matthew's play group therapy with his Early Start Program. There we've been given an opportunity to sit alongside parents that walk the same road we do. You really can't understand a day in parent's shoes who parents a child with Special Needs. Matthew sits alongside children with such amazing lives and parents to support them. They are lead by teachers who are exquisite in their art of love. They play amongst themselves that see no lines of differences, just innocence and childhood. Meanwhile, I sit in a circle of parents who I have grown to love and admire whole heartedly. I gain my strengths from their experiences and breathe in their stories as if it were air to help me live. I've grown as a person and a parent simply by being in their presence. It is there that I see no limit in my goals and aspirations in my journey to be a better person and parent.

Matthew's therapy has been soaring through the help of Early Start and their magnificent team. I don't know where I would be without them. If its only hope visits, visits to the school, doctor appointments, obtaining referrals, this group of talented and wonderful teachers, therapists, coordinators, and women have made my life and journey with Matthew so much easier. I would be at a lost without them.

Jerry and I have survived a year of recession. Keeping our lives as normal as possible to veer off any pressure on our kids. Sure, there were hard times, but our love and support for another has given us strength when the other is weak. We are not perfect - far from it, but we are perfectly matched in this very imperfect world.

Brandon and Daniel have been such amazing children, a fantastic brother, and a great source of inspiration. When the moments of hardship peek their ugly heads around the corner, one look at their innocent faces and we know that no harm can come our way.

Friendships have been my most trying area this year. I've seen friends come and go, heard and been involved with ugly words exchanged. And though I can sit here and hate on them and wish them ill happenings, I won't. Instead I will pray for them and hope that they all have wonderful lives ahead of them. How easy it is for us to hate, but to love... that's an art yet to be learned in it's full capacity.

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My Hopes and Aspirations for 2010

I go into this New Year, knowing it will be a better year. For failing is not an option. I will obtain my goals by years end and I will succeed in everything that I do. Because I will have known by New Year's Eve next year that I did everything I could to make it happen.

I want to be healthier, I want to eat right, be right, look right and I'm taking the family with me. This journey is not one to be taken alone, it takes a village, right?

I want to have our finances more under control so we can continue on giving without feeling stressed. I want my husband to not worry so much that we won't be okay this month but be happy and content that this month, we'll be okay.

I want to be a better mother, one with more patience and to be more active in their lives rather than be just actively keeping up with their lives. I want to be in their moment, to feel their innocence and newly discovered sensations. I want to be a parent that can feel, hear, touch, smell, and taste life alongside them.

I want to be a better wife to my husband. To help him destress from all the pressures and stress life deals him. To make him feel like he is not alone in ensuring the well being of our family.

I want to be a better friend to the friends that I have left. To not neglect them to follow the acceptance of a group of people that are so clad ironed within their own group that they fail to see the opportunities they have with other people. I want to embrace the friendships I have, the ones that mean the most that are there for me when I need them the most, not just for when it is convenient and okay with them. I want to nurture the friendships that will last me a lifetime not just for the time of my life.

I want to be a better sister, daughter, and friend to my family. To concentrate more on my relationships with them despite what some might say. Blood is thicker than water and though they know I would lay before them before I would let anything horrible happen, I want to be able to say I love you, but this is the best thing for us.

Overall, I want to be better... I will be better.

Why I Should Never Let My 2-Year Old Skip A Nap

Hearing my two year old whine in ways only a dolphin can understand, is more excruciating than nails on a board. For it isn't ONLY the sound that annoys the hell out of me, but some how it sucks the little physical energy I have for the day.

We had plans to go to a local park today, until I woke up late in the morning to find that it was cloudy and raining. So that plan was OUT! And having to break this news to my three boys was like telling them mommy was adding another baby to the brood, a little disappointed by they got over it easily.

Fortunately, for the better half of the morning the boys did great. They ate what they had to, they played nicely together, kept each other entertained for hours, and gave mommy her space. Long enough for me to clean up the house. It was great, until I realized it was 5p.m. and we were 3 hours passed Matthew's naptime. No wonder he was whining and crying!

So first I took him up to our bed, where he's decided to take residence in for about 3 months now, and laid him down. Hoping that he would fall asleep instantly since he was tired. Big Fat Wrong! He whined for about 30 minutes, asking to play with Brandon and Daniel and finally I gave up and let him out of the bed.

It wasn't too long before he started to whine again and so Brandon offered to lay down with him in his bed. All was well and underway until I made the bad mistake of walking passed his room to get to the laundry. GASP! It's Mommy!!! Whine! Whine!!!

So again, we tried and no such luck. At this point it was close to 7 p.m. and I couldn't make any sense in making him take a late nap unless I had every intention of staying up with him passed midnight and honestly I wasn't feelin' it!

So I decided to keep him up in an effort to reset his internal clock and hoping his whining wouldn't deafen me or drive me to suicidal bridge in my mind.

Another bad judgement call on my part. He whined even worse and by 8 p.m. everyone - including the children - were at their wits end. Thankfully, he fell asleep on his own with my sister beside him around 8:30 p.m. I've never been so mentally exhausted from just noise.

I'm now reminded just how important those naps are. Unless I'm a glutton for punishment, skipping naps are NOT an option.

Bed Time Stories

Photo of the Day: "It's either one or none when trying to get a decent photo."

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We've done very, very little today outside of our home. In fact, we can perhaps recap within a sentence what we did outside of our home and really it wasn't all that exciting. I was on a mission today to finish up the rest of our laundry to free up some real family time for the rest of the week. For goodness sakes, I have no intentions on keeping my three very hyper active kids imprisoned within these four walls. But in order for me to just leave the house without a worry, the laundry MUST. BE. DONE. With me on a mission to conquer the impossible, the boys were barracaded with legos to entertain them. I only left the house to get some starbucks and dinner, everything else would have to wait.

Later this evening, we had some unexpected guests come by and we watched the Laker game. I'm not really into basketball or sports lingo at all. In fact, I don't understand a lot of the rules and hoopla about it all. All I know is that Beckham is HOT - oh wait! That's not even basketball... but anyways all the sports talk was going on in the background as I updated continuously on my twitter account and facebook statuses. The highlight of the game for me were the commercials, LOL! Which shows you just how much sports I actually "watch."

And because I was completely unprepared in having guests over I left the house one more time to pick up some Panda Express, which believe me I DID NOT MIND! Like I've told friends before, dinner always tastes so much better when I didn't have to cook it, LOL!

Since being on holiday, I've been really laxed with the whole bedtime routine. I figure the later they sleep, the later they wake up, which means more sleeping in for me - and believe me, I don't mind it at all. I realize that it's going to be a pain later, but seriously I don't care. I'm perfectly happy having to wean them back into they're sleeping routines after this weekend to prepare them for their return to school.

Don't worry about it! I got this!!!

With that said, the boys finally made they're ways into pajamas around 11 and were treated by not ONE but TWO bedtime stories. One from me and the other from Daddy. Seriously the best time of our evenings. It's the only time our voices are heard and the boys are still and silent. I can only imagine how the words from our mouths are interpreted in each of their imaginations.

My mom and dad never read me stories as a child, in fact I learned about fairy tales from watching late night TV on PBS. I distinctly remember watching a version of Cinderella starring Matthew Broderick as Prince Charming. Have any of you seen this??

No, no... I didn't get many fairytales growing up, but I got some freaky, scary myths and legends from my mother's homeland. Stories that kept me awake for months and later in wonderment and amazement for years to come. I got stories of mythological creatures, witches, and trolls taht come and bother you and sometimes capture you at the wee hours of the night.

In a way, I'm kind of happy that Mom never told me stories about "happily ever after" because I had NO EXPECTATIONS or ever felt entitled to a life that was, well.. UNREAL later on as an adult. My life has been my own fairy tale - filled with chapters of extraordinary journeys and happy endings that were chosen by ME!

And yes, we read bedtime stories to our children that are filled with Disney inspired characters, but we find that the stories we share with them from experiences we've actually had, told with fictional characters are perhaps the best stories ever shared.

Why Mommies Can't Take A Break...

...even if they really, really need one.

The hubs had this genius and most perfect idea of me taking a break during the holiday weekend and let some of the house chores go. And it sounded absolutely perfect, until this morning when I saw just how much laundry there was.

15 loads + 3 loads of bedsheets and comforters, that's 18 loads total people! And because I'm so particular about certain loads, I've only completely washed, dried, folded, and hung 5 loads today. Boy! I was tempted to just dry everything on high to get it over with, but that would just leave me with a pile of unwearable clothes and a most needed trip to the mall to replace what I screwed up. Hang on.... that doesn't sound so bad, ha!

I've gotta feeling that it's gonna be a long night that will drag into most of my day tomorrow. Doing laundry with three wild children, running a muck in Lego heaven which just so happens to be adjacent to our laundry room, is never easy. And so it takes me a while to load and unload the laundry and dryer as i pry my toddler off of the stool as he hovers into the washing machine.

When I finally get him distracted long enough to keep the crocodile tears from falling, he is most indefinitely into something else. How do I know? Oh come on! You mommies know out there that when your kid is waaaaaaaaay too quiet, especially when they just through a fit great enough for an Oscar nomination, that there is definitely something they are into.

And those are the moments that you achieve your "A-ha!!!" moments when you've caught your toddler diggin' into your Nutella stash with a very, very big spoon. And the revelation comes that this is the reason why you have soooooooo much darn laundry.

Out with the old, And in with the new

That's my motto for 2010, for everything that I'm engaged with.

"Out with the old, and in with the new."

First up, the boys playroom/bedroom. I figured with all the brand new toys they've gotten over the Christmas Holiday, now was a better time than ever to sort through all of their toys and get rid of things that they would never miss in the first place. I do this ever month, but I think I'm gonna have to start doing it every other week, as I know that they break things, accidently throw pieces away, or lose things that makes the toy unplayable. I know this... but do I do it? Heck no, cuz I alway turn a blind eye and avoid the room as much as possible, HA!

Here's their bedroom/playroom pre-Project: Out with the old, And in with the new.

I also know that this project is probably going to take me HOURS to do. So I recruited some help from the boys (well, it is their room after all) and my baby sister. Having Matthew and Daniel help was a bad idea, so I sent them back to my room with their dad to watch a few movies to keep them preoccupied and kept Brandon and Leslie with me to tackle as many bins as we could tonight.

Hours passed and eventually I had to go out and get something for the crew to eat, when I came back Leslie reported that Brandon literally fell asleep while sorting through the bajillion lego parts I made him sort through. That cat nap and some din din put the energy back into him in no time, because about two hours after we were done.

My main objective was to getting everything organized, labeled (because I just absolutely love my label machine), accessible by age, and make the educational pieces (i.e. books, interactive games, blocks, playdough, workbooks, etc.) more accessible and appealing to the boys.

So I moved their little library to the bookshelves closer to the entry way. Complete with labels and shelves designated to each child. Sadly, this was the highlight of my day. HA!

Obviously all of Matthew's board books and coloring books were located on the lower shelves, where Daniel and Brandon's books and workbooks were located on the shelves located directly above it. Every week, Brandon and Daniel's class requires them to read daily, and every week they each choose books that are either waaaaaaaaaaay too easy or waaaaaaaaaay to hard for them to read. This way when the time comes where they have to grab a book, the only question I'll have to ask is, "Did you get this book in your shelf?"






Surprisingly, when I was done putting these bad boys in their "homes" the boys were elated and excited to see their new library. So much so that they were much more inclined to grab a book than to continue on completing the many lego sets that they had. I have to say I was a pretty proud mama at that moment.

On the other side of the room we have many cubbies for all their toys. Yet, for the life of me I cannot understand why they can never find any of the toys that they are searching for. So I decided that I would take my handy little label machine and officially sort through more toys and find homes for them. I figured that Brandon and Daniel would have an easier time looking for the toys and putting them away and BONUS! Daniel can start excercising his reading and sorting skills. Matthew has one bin on this wall labeled as "Baby Toys" because he has a completely different sight for his toys as we use many of his toys for therapy.

At the end of the night, we were about 75% done with the room. I have yet to go through the top shelf of the book shelves filled with video games and children's DVD's and there's a small studying nook behind those shelves that I have to sort through as well. I'm not done but this looks a whole lot better than what it was only 6 hours ago... LOL!

Even after all the organizing I'm still not done with this room. By the end of January I'm planning on painting the room, but that would require a blog post all on its own, deserving of all the hard work I'm gonna be putting into that room and their bathroom.

For now, this is Part 1 of Project: Out with the old, and in with the new - The Boys Playroom/Bedroom.

All I Want For Christmas

About 9 months ago, I shamefully allowed my then 1 year old watch Elmo on laptop, thinking it would entertain him long enough for me make some lunch. Just as I thought I had conquered the dilemma of a very attached toddler, I heard Brandon scream, "Oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd!" When I got into the dining room, there Matthew stood with his diaper pulled just below his man-jewels dripping with pee. Yes Folks, that unthinkable scenario in your head of my 1 year old hovering over my laptop, peeing in glee is exactly what happened.

And though all I wanted to do at that moment is fall to the ground, pounding on the tile, crying out to the tech Gods up above, "whhhhhhhhhy??? WHHHHHY??" I knew that would only traumatize my children. So instead, I tried to salvage it... hoping it wasn't too much damage.

But it was.

It was smokin' - which I'm guessing is a bad sign.

So I went without a laptop for months, completely content with having to go upstairs to our home office, every moment I could steal.

But this Christmas... the Hubs did goooooooooood. Jerry's not very good at keeping secrets, when he's excited about a surprise, he acts odd. Like my past birthday he planned a surprise birthday but acted odd. Which made me a little worried, but I was naive. He got me good.

So when the large package came in via UPS a few weeks ago, and I saw the excitement in his eyes, I knew this was gonna be reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal good. And though I secretly begged Santa to gift me a brand new laptop, I seriously didn't think it was going to happen.

But it did. HA!

Like I said, the Hubs did gooooooooooooood. A nice 17 inch Gateway laptop in my favorite color - RED!

Now that I'm able to bring this wonderful technical genius around with me all over the house, I'm hoping to blog more and just technically be more connected with the outside world. HA!

Gone are the days of just iPhone twittering and Facebooking. LOL! I'm beyond excited about this. I am blessed... is an understatement. Really.

So yes, I'm gloating. Yes, I'm basking and sharing this extreme gratitude for this most awesome gift that I am so excited about.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning

The excitement on my sons' face on Christmas morning is what this holiday is all about.

Never mind the weeks and sometimes months of planning or the fact that I went to bed a mere 2 hours prior to being woken up in the wee hours of the morning. The soft nudge of Brandon, whispering in absolute excitement makes dragging my very tired (and sick) but out of bed.

This Christmas Eve was calm but festive. We didn't have a lot of friends or family over this year. We just had enough people around us to remind us what this holiday is all about. We celebrated this holiday with my siblings, the Hubs, the boys, and our really great friend Jackie and her pups Max. And because we wanted Christmas to be as calm as possible (rather than hectic and "wish I could forget about it" holiday like last year) we decided to have most of the dishes catered while Jerry made a mushroom soup and I roasted a turkey. We had originally planned to make a traditional Polish Christmas Eve dinner, complete with 12 delightful dishes. But because I have no experience in this and our only Polish restaurant worth mentioning, Polka, was completely booked, we opted to just compromise.

So Jerry and I worked collectively to clean up the house and decorate Christmas. We had decided to do Thanksgiving low-key as well, but failed to remember that it was Thanksgiving. So we had spent the entire day in our pajamas, most of us just chillaxin' and I was in the kitchen completely frustrated cooking, that by the time I was done with cooking dinner I wanted to do nothing but sleep after we ate.

We were on a mission come Christmas Eve, we changed into our Christmas best outfits, and set up the dining room as if it were a party we were catering ourselves. Jerry brought home some rentals and set up our dining table. I think he did an excellent job, wouldnt' you say?

We dimmed the lights in our dining room and lit up some candles to give it a warm feel.

Every year, around the holidays. Jerry's grandmother from Poland mails us a Christmas card with the Body of Christ enclosed. Traditionally, we a piece for each person and as we walk around the table we take a piece from one anothers piece and forgive each other for everything that happened this past year. This was the first year where we did it COMPLETELY around the table and it was so heart warming to see my siblings partake in my husband's family tradition.

After dinner, I baked some Christmas tree cookies for the boys to decorate for Santa's upcoming visit that night. Most of the icing and sprinkles ended up in the kids mouths more than the cookie, but heck! who am I to delay a child's creativeness??

We were able to get a good amount for Santa's plate and set out a plate for the reindeers snacks as well. All that traveling can make any one hungry. By night's end the boys were exhausted and were eager to fall asleep. Because we all know that Santa doesn't come if the kids are awake.

And by Christmas morning the kids were greeted by mounds of wrapped presents by the fireplace and yet another Christmas has been pulled off successfully.

I truly hope you all had a wonderful Holiday season. Another year has past, memories that will either be remembered or chosen to be forgotten. Either way, the future holds the unknown and our optimism for greatness holds and supports our faith.

Ringing In The Holiday Week

Normally, I LOVE the holiday season, but for some odd reason, it took me a very late start to actually "feel" the holiday season.

Here's our artificial tree, mostly decorated by our three boys. They absolutely enjoy decorating and "helping" mommy. Matthew had more success breaking about 15 ornaments on the floor than actually getting it hooked on the tree. But like most things... practice makes perfect.

We decorated our stairway banisters with garland, ribbons, and icicles. It wasn't what I wanted exactly but it was enough to get me to enjoy this season a little more =)

Here's our REAL Christmas tree, that we ended up getting about a week ago. In a way it's kind of good that we got it late, because I know it'll still be a live past New Year's LOL! I decorated this tree the night we got it, I didn't get to bed till almost 3 am. Because I knew that if I decorated this tree when the boys were awake, I probably wouldn't have ever finished and most of my ornaments would have been broken into a million little pieces.

We got this garland at Sam's club and I am IN LOVE with it! It hangs over the fireplace on our mantle and I couldn't be more happier about it. Jerry asked to use it for one of our company events and I was very adamant about him either NOT taking it or making sure he would return it. When it was actually time for him to take it, I was secretly grateful that he "forgot" it, LOL!

Now that the boys are officially on vacation, I picked up a Gingerbread House Kit for them to do as one of our daily activities we'll be doing as a countdown for Christmas.

Well...

You know how you have one of those ideas that you want to do with your kids and you have an idea of just how they're going to enjoy it? Well, that wasn't the case. I think something crawled up into Matthew's rear and is reaking havoc on his attitude because lately, he's been so cranky, angry, and just flat out miserable!

When I brought the kit home, I was so excited. I thought this would be a great activity for all the boys to enjoy together. Little did I know that this would cause World War III in my home with the three boys. Between playing referee with the two older boys and being Super Nanny and her infamous "naughty corners," it took us a good hour to put the darn thing together and then another hour to decorate it.



Almost immediately after, the boys decided they wanted to eat the thing and well, have you ever tried saying no to 3 little boys who are staring right in the face of pure sugar temptation?

I had to say YES!



and BOY! Did they enjoy it!

"This is the THE BEST DAY EVER," Daniel kept repeating this over and over again as he plummeted into the candy covered gingerbread house.


I mean seriously, watching the boys just devour this gingerbread house brought so much laughter and enjoyment to them it was too funny NOT to capture these tempting photos.



And of course by the time we were all done, this little monster finally smiled and enjoyed himself.


Happy Holidays!

Why Reading Books Isn't As Much Fun...

...when you've got a toddler far more interested in ripping the pages out of the book than listening to you make animal sounds and read in a soothing voice.

I would love it if Matthew would sit in one place and just listen to me read, but the fact of the matter is that he's far too active to sit in one place for more than 5 minutes unless I stuck a lollipop in his hand and bounced around the house like a bunny - and even then I haven't accomplished wanting to read to him.

Yes, reading to Matthew is more like arts and crafts. It's a book and while it's full intent is to entertain you by reading it's contents, Matthew has more fun dismantling the books and dismembering it's characters. (see photo above).

And while I know that every child deserves to be told stories of merry times and wonderment, blowing $20 on a book for an activity I could have given him a copy from his coloring book for, I choose to not read while he's in that active state.

Pop Up books are the worst, just as bad as those books that slide to reveal a picture. I don't think toddlers have the capability to understand or appreciate the value of these books. So unless I tape down the pieces that scream, "RIP ME OUT!" I find no use for them.

I'll stick to the good ole' cardboard thick ass pages of books that can handle saliva, rough housing, vomit, being thrown onto the wall a million times, and it's rip proof pages and characters thank you very much! Otherwise all of our books will contain images that are even more warped than Andy Warhol art pieces. Case in point...

In other family day to day news, not much going on in the home front. Jerry's out catering the world one party at a atime. To tell you honestly it's hard to know where he is at any given time, all I know is that today he has one party in Hidden Hills in a home he describes as BEAUTIFUL worth over 300 million dollars - money I can't even fathom in having. In fact I'd be happy with just half a million - ya know? Yeah I know you do.

Brandon and Daniel are officially on winter break and I cannot tell you how happy I am about this. Some moms think I'm insane that I want my children home with me all day, every day for three weeks. But the truth is, I find these breaks a blessing and a mini vacation for me. When the older boys are home, I'm able to do a lot of stuff that would normally take me days to do with a toddler attached to my rear. For example, if I need to change the laundry loads out I would normally have to either negotiate with Matthew for about 30 minutes and convince that going upstairs to watch Mommy do something so mundain is so much more entertaining than the Dora episode you've seen for the millionth time or I actually get upstairs to the laundry room with Matthew with no fuss but struggle to pry that dirty piece of clothing his diaper leaked into from his hands.

So you see, having the boys watch the baby or entertain him for even 15 minutes while I frantically run upstairs to do something that would normally take me hours if he were attached to me is a blessing in disguise. The only downfall - if we should even call it that - is that I then have to find activities that all of them will enjoy as a peace offering to them for giving mommy that 15 minutes of orderliness in her home. A small price to pay especially when I find complete happiness in getting down and dirty with the boys OUTSIDE of my home =)

I have some holiday photos to post but I'm afraid I've bored you all with my imperfect rants and raves of my imperfect life. So I'll save that post for tomorrow while the little book ripping monster naps in the afternoon!

Addictions

I do my best to be the best person and role model to my children, but I am the first to admit my short comings and I am the first to apologize.

I claim not to be high and mighty and I don't claim to be right at all, but I am incredibly opinionated, and many people find offense to this.

Is that something that I should apologize about to ensure that you are in your comfort zone? Maybe not. But I do.

Today is not even half over and yet I am overwhelmed. I've only finished Matthew's group this morning and I have yet to tackle going to the dry cleaners, going to the water company, picking up gift cards, dropping off the bag of gifts that I forgot to bring for Matthew's awesome support group, picking up snacks and goodies for Brandon's class party, and then volunteering for Brandon's class party. I haven't even thought passed 3:15 today because I'm hoping it'll all just take care of itself, but I know that's going to be impossible.

I can't say no. It's an addiction to continue making sure that everyone around me is okay. It's also an addiction that I actually fall asleep at night knowing that I did everything that I physically and mentally could handle. On paper, ever thing I volunteer for and everything I do seems a breeze but when implemented I'm overwhelmed - but strangely enough I am happy.

I'm not happy when I have nothing to do or feel that I haven't done enough. I try to right every wrong I do by overcompensating too much to fill my need of immediate gratification. To know right away that everything is okay.

Addiction is a horrible thing, it's horrible regardless of what you are doing. It's horrible most especially by those who don't understand it. I try to find my peace in everything that has every happened. But sometimes I over think and somehow am left unsatisfied with the resolution I find at the end.

Many people have said, "Analiza, just stop caring." But how do you just "stop caring?" I don't think it's possible unless your heart and soul are made of dry ice. I'm not programmed to not care, it's something that is in my natural capacities. So what must I do?

I have to maintain it, control it, and one day hope that when I do something wrong that it doesn't eat me up alive for hours, days, weeks, months, or even years. It's a crazy addiction, an addiction that sadly not many people believe is genuine or sometimes worse, feel that it's a virtue that is so tainted and jaded - how sad that is.

When you're addicted to anything, you hide in a bubble when people don't understand your addiction. My addiction is caring about things I probably shouldn't, apologizing hastly, and pulling away. I find that in this bubble of safe haven, I'm comfortable and that though many people may not understand it, I do. And if in the morning I wake up and realize that I did the best yesterday and am willing to better today, my addiction has been fulfilled.

This is an addiction that I don't want to give up. It's an addiction to love, caring, and just pure genuity. Yes, you will know when I'm upset, worried, concerned, frightened, happy, elated, content, and every adjective you can think of. But that never stops me from loving and caring for you with all of my heart unconditionally. And people think I'm "crazy" for thinking this way, but it makes me happy to see other's happy or find comfort.

So who is one to tell me that I'm not in right to share that feeling of joy?

My name is Analiza and I'm addicted to making sure you're happy =)

Get It Together Woman

Yeah, that's been my anthem lately.... Holidays are usually so very busy for our family. But honestly, with my parents moving away over seas, I haven't been really feeling the holiday cheer what so ever. Along with the financial strain Jerry and I have endured this past year, it's hard to give when so limited - especially when it's the kind of giving I'm not used to.

I have tons of pictures of our Christmas decorations and trees and I've yet to post them. Tonight may not be good night, seeing that I'm too lazy and the only reason why I'm up is so that I can wait for the last load of laundry to dry. Exciting I know huh!

This week is the last week before the long awaited Winter Break for the boys. I seriously think that I am much more excited about this than they are. No more arguing about wardrobe choices in the morning, no more negotiations about what they are having breakfast, snack, and lunch (dinner isn't up for debate - you eat or you starve, LOL), no more dropping off and picking up at odd hours - a nice long break for mommy. It's silly but I don't think people realize just how tiring it is to have this routine. HA!

All of my boys' classes have some Holiday party or activity planned. As one of the Room Parents for both of my older boys' classes, a lot is entailed in that - snacks, treats, party activities, etc. Which means money, money, and money - I know... Bahumbug right? Maybe it's the late night blogging? uh-huh! sure that's it! LOL!

I promise to have more "festive and cheerful posts" tomorrow. But for now, know that we are alive, we are well, and we are still counting our blessings. And Mommy, is just trying to keep it together =)

Blame It On...

NOTHING!

Holy bananas and ice cream!!! I went to the clothing shop that I normally go to, which I haven't gone to in about 3 months due to financial restraints. I went to buy an outfit that I would be wearing tonight at a Christmas Tree Decorating party and to hang out with some friends for my hubby's birthday, which is today.

HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MOST WONDERFUL HUSBAND. ALL YOU DO FOR OUR FAMILY COULD NEVER BE DESCRIBED IN WORDS! WE LOVE YOU SO SO VERY MUCH!

I walked through the store, picking up outfits that were just amazing on the rack but had a feeling that I'd better try them on before I busted out the Visa and just walked out with a shopping bag full of clothes.

Good thing too!!!

When I was in the dressing room trying on the clothes, I had a completely different perception of what my body was like. I stood in front of the mirror and thought, "Wow! This is the first time I've stared at myself in the nude in front of a full length mirror in a long time." Wasn't pretty let me tell ya! For the past couple of years, I've been more concerned about my emotional and mental well being that I've neglected my physical appearance. I am guilty of that for sure!

As each outfit that I tried on, went back to the hangers with tears flowing endlessly, I started to think it was hopeless. I eventually found an outfit and walked out only 50% happy.

I don't know what happened! I seriously did NOT think my weight was a problem. I was confident with how I looked, comfortable with how I've changed, and completely determined that so long as I was emotionally and mentally happy, the rest was just a bonus.

Boy, was I wrong!

I came home and talked with Jerry, swallowing gulps of pride and crying. Saying, "How did I let this happen????" It's pretty pathetic and because of that, I have a new determination starting tomorrow morning - just being realistic, because if I say right now, I'd be out running instead of sitting in front of a computer and blogging.

So I've set up goals to get me motivated, I'm going through the pantry and refrigerators and changing not just my diet but the entire family's.

I'll tell you the same thing I told Jerry this morning. I've gotta take better care of myself. My outside appearance now reflects how I feel in the inside and that has got to change. Like I've said in a previous post, change is good, it's great! And it's happening soon!

So, instead of trying to find something/someone to blame it on, I'm gonna just fix it - change it. I deserve that at the most.

So every Monday evening I'll be blogging about my weigh in's. My goal is 35 pounds in the next 4 months. After I meet that goal, which I will! I'll be goaling for another 25 pounds - which isn't necessary but would be idea if I want to be pre-Brandon weight), that goal is almost unrealistic but I'd love it if I could get back there. Alright, so if you know you're math, then you'll know where I'm at. HAHA!

Have a great weekend! And turn every experience into a positive one.

Who Said We Need The Best Toys In Town?

Especially, when we've got some heavy duty home appliances at home!

We've got all the great game consoles, a library to fill the imaginations for kids from infant to adolescents, legos to fill the Taj Mahal to it's roof top tri-fold, enough blocks to build a fort to ward off the worst of enemies and all these boys want? Is my washing machine.

Oh yes! It's a popular commodity in this house. Reuniting the boys for a brief 10 minutes while it fills to the rim with water, gaining popularity with every glare that peers down it's fast filling basket.

The amusement this machine brings to my boys is HILARIOUS! Seriously. What can possibly be so tantalizing in that basket you ask? Well I decided that it was time that all they're Build-A-Bears needed a serious run through the gentle cycle. They were all covered in a month's worth of filth and the thought of my boys cuddling with those germ infested cuties was enough for me to warrant a mandatory bath.

I'm thinking Santa might get a kick out of this and just push an LG Top of the line washer and dryer down the chimney for the boys!

Just a thought.

Yeah, I'm his....

Mornings in any mother's day is usually one of high stress, constant negotiations, many tears from both mother and child, rushing, and chaos.

There is always a debate of whether or not they should eat their now soggy cereal or find that other shoe that you swore you placed beside their backpacks, knowing for sure they wouldn't be able to find them the next morning.

There is homework that is still laid out on the table, projects that somehow are forgotten, permission slips and volunteer notes to be turned in - all just sitting on your dining table, beneath your now ice cold coffee that you've microwaved at least 4 times.

Yes, these are moments that I endure every morning.

After the older boys are dropped off at home and I get a good 45 minutes to sit and be still while my youngest one still lays in MY bed, beneath MY covers, enjoying the sleep that I would LOVE, I glance around and think, I have so much to do today.

It is amazing how much I can do in that 45 minutes. I can guarantee that my entire downstairs will be spotless, toys will be put away, dishes will be washed, floors are swept and vacuumed, tables wiped down, etc.

BUT, I can also guarantee that within 10 minutes of Matthew waking up, he will run through it all like a tazmanian devil, forcing me to grin and smile while I grind my pearly whites behind the painted veil of my Revlon lipstick.


Literally, ten minutes after he wakes up, the Legos that his older brothers patiently put together are dismantled complete with drool all over them, lunch packed up for later that day has been smashed into my tile as if it were the new "it" thing in the cleaning world, important papers from a folder placed above his head on counter are now crumpled into corners of our home complete with artwork, and crumbs somehow have found their way onto my floors yet again.

How does this happen? I'm standing right next to him, if not 2 steps away preparing his breakfast and snack. How can I not hear this incognito child whom I swear must have taken a Ninja training class, some of the shinanigans he gets into are those that I can only imagine in a Kung Fu movie.

I spend most of my day, cleaning up after him only to find that he's onto another project - silently. See? It's that Ninja effect.


Where he finds Blue Painter's Tape and why he decided to tape it onto the laptops power cord? I don't know. Maybe a Ninja training excercise?

This is only a preview of the many things he gets into while I do just regular housework or prepare his meals. He is ALWAYS into something, and I can't seem to bring myself to scold him. I know. It's my own fault, but I just come on, just look at him. It literally hurts my mouth to utter the words, "NO!"





So what do I do?

I clean up after him. It's all I do, ALL DAY. I am his personal bitch. Really, I am. What mother isn't to their child right? I mean who would wipe some one else's rear and enjoy it? Who would chop pieces of meat and fruit into fun, non choke-able pieces and smile while serving it with pride? Someone's bitch! *raising my hand!!!*

My goal each day is to make it through. To keep it together. I have lists of things to do, planners for every thing you can think of, and a folder titled, "In Case Mommy Has An Emotional Breakdown... Please Read"

As a mom... it's our title to keep it together, though deep down we know we can't handle it on our own. But to admit that would be suburbian suicide. We're expected to deal and deal with a Stepford Wife Smile... "yes, dear!"

Keeping it together and letting go of that neurotic urge to clean, clean, clean the mess and to just enjoy, enjoy, enjoy your child's childhood is such a gleaming thought. A thought that I push myself to pursue. Slowing down and getting down and dirty, giggling my day with my toddler, hearing stories of possibilities from the boys... it's why I chose to be a mom and housewife. I want to be here WITH them, not just hear about them. I don't want to miss any of those moments that at the time drive me insane. I want those moments to look back on and crack up.

So I keep my day together, I keep myself together, I keep my family organized, I keep my home running. So they can keep me smiling.

It's Feeling "A Little" Bit Like Christmas

It must be me, but I am NOT feeling the holidays this year. I don't know why.

We haven't bought our tree, because we hate when it dies after a week. We haven't bought any Christmas gifts, because we're waiting for THE LIST. We haven't made any concrete plans for the holidays, because everyone is a little loopy with details.

I'm just not feeling it this year.

The only thing that gets me remotely close to enthusiasm for this holiday is baking and cooking. How Martha Stewart, eh?? Yeah it's pretty pathetic but whatever.

I'm finding that this year, we're planning a lot of things that just involves the family that we have left here in the States. I'm struggling to find activities that I could do with the boys collectively, rather than individually. We have a ton of events that we're promised to, but nothing that makes my heart skip a beat. It almost seems like we're dong a lot of things just to make the day go by.

How depressing! But I'm determined.

I'm determined to figure out how to get ourselves out of this holiday rut. To brave the chaos at the malls. To have selective hearing and drown out the screams of other children - and sometimes my own. To promise my kids at least a festive holiday.

It really blows that the holiday spirit hasn't visited us yet. But we're waiting, patiently. And until then I'll be baking and cooking to pass the time.